A Special Visitor
by Nomi's Secret
Summary: It starts as a normal day on Star Bug but while Rimmer and Lister are bickering the Cat smells something strange that isn't showing up on the radar. After red light and smoke, the group find a strange present waiting in the next room. Rimmer Romance.
1. Cinnamon

**A Special Visitor**

**Disclaimer**- Okay, okay. I don't own anything etc. Apart from the OC. So don't sue me :D

I uploaded this fic ages ago then took it down because I just lost where the plot was going. So I'll be changing things and expanding on the chapters. I re-read it and basically fell in love with it all over again. Set early on in the series, the reason why they aren't on Red Dwarf will also be explained at some point, so will Rimmer's 'dense mode'.

**Chapter One- Cinnamon**

Kryten was busy cleaning the table in Star Bug's mess room when Lister charged in wearing some astonishingly clean clothes. Well clean in Lister's case; only three curry stains. The series 4000 almost went in to something that human's called shock at least that's what he thought it was called. It was either that or his eye sockets were malfunctioning. Again.

"Sir, what special occasion is this?" Kryten wondered rushing over to one of his masters.

"What…oh this? All me other clothes have gone missin'" Lister told him looking around the mess hall waiting for that smeg head Rimmer to make an appearance, "someone ejected them via the air lock and now there in orbit of a frozen moon and one of me socks have gone missin' too"

The service mechanoid didn't quite understand, "Are you sure it wasn't ejected with the rest of your clothes sir?" he asked.

"It was on me foot!" Lister said and pointed down to his bald foot. It was indeed missing the grotty and worn sock.

A few moments later one of the Skutter's speeded past with a patchy piece of fabric hooked over its head and the other one chased after it. They were just zooming around the room.

"It appears to me, Sir, that the Skutter's are playing tag with your sock," He said pointing out the obvious.

The Skutter with the sock came dangerously close to the human as it tried to evade the other one. Lister bent down and snatched the sock from it. They turned their eye and claw towards him before rolling off upset and Kryten sympathised with them.

"Sir that was awfully mean of you. They were only playing," he told him with a pained look as they disappeared around the corner.

"What so was Rimmer only playing when he destroyed every single one of me possessions?" Lister rallied.

At just that moment Rimmer appeared from the control room looking especially pleased with himself. An arrogant and smug smile sat on his face. He took a deep breath. Well he _simulated_ taking a deep breath. The hologram was incapable of breathing along with every other biological response or action.

"Ahh what a wonderful morning in deep space, no overly stinking, mould covered, curry stained clothes in the vicinity. Life is good," He said as he looked at Lister and Kryten. His smile grew bigger.

"But Sir that isn't technically correct, you're-" the mechanoid began to state but was cut off.

"I'm a hologram, yes I know Kryten." Rimmer was brought out of his strangely good mood with the reminder that he wasn't alive.

"No sir, what I was going to say was technically you're dead sir" Kryten finished his sentence.

Rimmer flashed his eyes towards him in contempt and he sighed. Before he could retort his roommate was speaking.

"That's a shame…if you were alive Rimmer I'd kill you" Lister threatened him with a step towards him.

The hologram was stood with his back straight and his hands clasped tightly behind his back, "Listy if I was alive, I'd have died from your very poor hygiene a long time ago and-"

The Cat popped his head around the cockpit door sniffing heavily while trying to maintain his hair, "hey guys sorry to interrupt but I'm picking up something funny"

He disappeared back into the cockpit as quickly as he had appeared.

"Probably Rimmah's face," Lister said coldly as they all walked into the cockpit.

"So very hilarious" was all that Rimmer could say to try and shut him up.

* * *

When they entered they found the Cat pacing back and forth in the control room looking a little more than shaken. He kept pausing every few seconds to breathe in deeply through his nostrils. Kryten was sat in the seat closest to Holly's monitor and was busy tapping in different codes and reading the print outs.

Rimmer peered out of the cockpit window at the part of deep space that they were currently drifting through. The stars were twinkling in the distance but that's all he could see. Lister, on the other hand, went over to the Cat and tried to calm him down.

"Are you sure you can smell something?" he asked him.

The Cat looked at him, "Yes! When has my _amazing_ sense of smell ever failed?"

Then he went back to pacing, up and down, up and down, up and down, back and forth, back and forth. Rimmer thought he was going to be sick.

Kryten picked up a sheet of paper and held it to the red tinted lighting that was designed to allow the pilot to see better out of the window, "well Sirs I can't find anything on here"

"The bleepy thing?" the feline creature asked desperately.

"If you mean the radar" Rimmer paused and looked at it, "then no"

He wailed, "It has to be _somewhere_! I can still smell it!"

"What does _it_ smell like?" the hologram asked sceptically.

"It smells like" he took a big sniff and said with a confused tone, "cinnamon!"

Rimmer mumbled to himself, "Definitely not Lister's clothes then"

The human turned to face him having obviously heard the off-hand comment, "Ya know if I weren't so smegging busy I'd dump ya out of the air lock meself!"

"Oh no" Kryten fretted. Another argument was about erupt between them and he felt it was his duty to stop it, "sirs, I'm afraid this isn't the time or the place"

"Holly, why don't you test out Rimmer's dense mode?" he grinned.

The other man's eyes widened, "what?"

"Done dude" Holly's face flashed up on the screen.

"Sirs, I beg you not to do this" the mechanoid placed himself in a strategic position between them.

"Shut up Kryten" Lister made his hand into a fist, "this is between me and the smeg-head Arnold Rimmer"

"It's getting closer!" the Cat sobbed and dived underneath the control panel, "it's here"

Everyone was temporally distracted by his outburst. They looked at each other wondering where this thing was.

When he thought it was obvious nothing was actually going to happen Rimmer said, "It must've passed us by-"

He was interrupted by a violent flash of red light. They all dived under the controls and huddled up next to the Cat. Smoke clouded the room. For what felt like the thousandth time they all prayed for their lives and that they weren't about to die. After a few moments the smoke cleared, Lister and Rimmer realised that they were holding on to each other and quickly let go.

"What do you think that was?" Kryten asked.

"I think it was cinnamon," Lister stood up warily and took a few steps towards the door, "come on"

"Where are you going?" Rimmer asked.

He half turned as he looked around the cockpit, "to investigate"

The room was covered in dust. Holly had seemingly lost the little hair that he had. The Cat and Kryten got up and joined him in the centre of the room. Rimmer on the other hand wondered if there was an escape pod in the cargo bay.

"Holly? Give me a damage report" the man with dreadlocks ordered.

"Err, give me a minute" the face disappeared from the screen and reappeared a few seconds later with a wig, "nothing to report, everything just needs a good clean"

"Let's go" they all turned and left.

Apart from the hologram who at first started to shout, "It could be anything out there!" but changed it to, "you're not leaving me on my own are you?"

They didn't reply and he reasoned that it was in his best interest if he followed them. As he was pulling himself up from his hiding position a spark flew behind him and he ran after them shouting, "Wait!"


	2. Arrival

**Chapter Two- Arrival **

_Hey! Hope you enjoy this one! I refer to the woman as an 'it' because they're not that sure it is a woman etc. Read and review please! _

When Rimmer caught up with the others he almost collided into the Cat. He managed to stop himself just in time, he skidded to a halt and looked around sheepishly. He decided that no one had seen that. Then he realised none of them had noticed he was even in the smegging room. They were all facing the opposite way! He scoffed inwardly, that was just typical.

He cleared his throat first thinking that they'd at least throw a comment or an insult over their shoulder. Nothing, absolutely nothing. Not even a smegging twitch. The three of them were forming a line, Lister was at the front with Kryten and the Cat stood slightly behind him. They just all kept staring.

"So then" the hologram started, "where are we going to start searching, hmm?"

Still nothing. He exhaled and contemplated calling Holly up to see what the hell was going on. Maybe there was a brain sucking slug on the loose? Then again there aren't any brains on this ship as it is, Rimmer thought snidely in his head.

He hesitantly walked around to the side of the group. He was eyeing them cautiously expecting to spring to life at any second with the intent of killing him. He took another step closer. They continued to gaup, their mouth's just hanging open like dogs waiting for a bone. Even Kryten had succumbed to whatever it was. He stepped backwards and wondering what they were staring at.

He turned around slowly choosing to keep one eye on his comatose crewmates. They had been and were continuing to stare at the doorway to the corridor that led to the sleeping quarters and the rest of Star Bug. Then he saw it.

The figure was stood there. It was looking critically at all of them in turn. Its eyebrows were almost touching. It looked around sceptically while fidgeting with its winter gloves. He thought it was trying to take them off.

"Aliens…" he whispered.

The being looked over at him. It was pale, ghostly pale. It looked a little ill, maybe a tad anaemic, he thought bizarrely. He felt slightly uncomfortable under its gaze. Its mouth twitched into a slight smirk like it was in on a secret joke.

Lister shook his head and replied in an equally low voice, "That's not an alien Rimmeh, that's a _woman_…"

Now that he thought about it. It did look astonishingly like a woman. Its features were feminine. High cheek bones, cherry coloured lips and a straight nose made up the main part of its face. But its eyes drew most of his attention. They were narrowed and the grey colouring gave them an intense stare. The rest of its face was covered by a thick sweeping fringe which was the only part of its hair that he could see. The rest of its crimson locks were covered by a grey beret. Its neck was wrapped up in a scarf and a thick winter coat covered nearly all of its torso, their were gloves on the end of its arms. He could see that it's lower half were covered by a pair of jeans that clung closely to the skin and disappeared into a pair of grey ankle boots.

"What's it doing here?" he hissed sideways to Lister. He saw that there were a few plastic bags near its feet.

"I dunno, I'll ask her" he started in a whisper then progressed to normal speaking volume and addressed it, "Hey, erm...Look we're umm" Lister struggled for words, "we're erm"

"Hurry up then Sparky..." it coined impatiently. Its voice was definitely female. Not that there was anything remarkable about it, it sounded like it was from Scotland.

"Whaaa?" Lister shook his head, "Me name's Lister not Sparky"

It rolled its eyes and took a deep breath, "look just get on with it"

"Huh" the Scouser considered and eyed it warily, "How'd ya get 'ere?"

"Umm" it thought for a moment. Sarcasm was an important part of this thing's vocabulary, "let's see...I-"

Rimmer cut it off, "Don't you think you should treat my crew with more respect?"

It laughed brazenly, "Ha! Why should I? It's not like any of this is even real, _Captain_ _Kirk_"

The others snapped out of the trance and looked around.

"Not real?" The Cat questioned and premed his hair, "I better be real or all this work has been for nothing" then retaliated, "Of course this is real or at least more so than your hair colour, Missy. I can see your roots from here!"

It gasped in anger and disbelief, it gritted its teeth and hissed at him, "you...you...Git!"

Kryten leaned in closer to Lister and Rimmer and spoke out of the side of his mouth, "Sirs, I believe that however the young miss got here it must've given her mild amnesia"

"And you, the thing that looks like an ice-cube" it pointed at Kryten, "I'm not deaf and I have certainly not got amnesia"

They all decided to ignore it for the time being. It was irrational and would probably become dangerous it got any angrier.

"Hol" Lister called. He turned to face the black monitor just as the computer appeared.

"Yes Dave?" he answered.

"Can ya get the medi lab ready for her? You and Kryte's make sure she's okay? Get her a bed made up and stuff?" he asked and Holly looked over to where the snarky figure was standing.

"Sure dude" He disappeared back off of the screen.

It had calmed down considerably. It had lost the gloves and was now stood against the wall with its arms folded.

Kryten approached it cautiously, "it you would come with me Ma'am, and I'll take you to the medical bay where we can make sure you're alright"

"Sure thing R2-D2" it sighed, "lead the way..."

The rest of the crew watched them leave.

"What?" Rimmer exploded when they were out of sight, "We don't even know if _it's_ human! It could all be an act! Yet you're just going to make it all nice and comfortable! It could be a GELF or a fancy simulant or…or…or an- "

"Alien?" the other man coined.

"Precisely" He stated, "my point is that thing could be anything and did you hear how it spoke to me? Absolutely no respect whatsoever"

The Scouser laughed, "Haha, _Captain_...maybe she just knew you were a smeghead"

"I had to say something" he defended, "and that proves it isn't a woman! No normal woman would speak to me like that! It's an alien...or something"

"Oh yeah?" Lister turned to him, "what would _you_ do then? Like if you were _Captain_"

He stood proud with his hands clasped behind his back, "place it in quarantine and run a multitude of tests, it's all set out in protocol 1631. 'Never allow an unidentified being aboard the ship until its identity has been proven'"

"You're such a smeghead Rimmeh" he told him as he went back into the control room, "anyway, I identified her as a woman"

He followed and said merrily, "Well don't come crying to me when _it_ takes over the ship and turns you all into little jelly cubes"

"Oh give it a rest goal-post head!" The Cat snapped at him from the door, "I know that women may be an alien species to you bud but to me they are a very desirable and rare creation that I am going to make the most of!"

He yowled in excitement before disappearing from sight. Presumably either for a nap or to get ready for trying to seduce the new arrival.

Lister sighed and wondered how long it would take them to get back to Red Dwarf. He eyed the dark screen next to him. It showed the path that they were taking to get back to the JMC ship. Not that it showed much. Just a red dot and a green dot with a dotted line in between them. He sat down with a thump and took it off auto-pilot. He partially wondered how his clothes were doing orbiting that moon...


End file.
